


In The Kingdom of Rust (We Find Ourselves)

by NoPitSoDeep



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Angst, I tried?, M/M, h/c, i guess?, lots of h/c, spocks childhood bullies, t'hy'las, vulcan bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 16:15:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoPitSoDeep/pseuds/NoPitSoDeep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not an easy love, but it's theirs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In The Kingdom of Rust (We Find Ourselves)

_"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light. I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."_

_"_ An interesting sentiment, though not entirely applicable, considering the advances into space exploration made since it was written."

Jim rolls his eyes, and pushes himself up on one elbow.

"Can't you just enjoy the poem?"

Spock raises one eyebrow, and deigns not to comment. Jim sighs, and lies back down, pillowing his head on the Vulcan's chest. 

There's a long pause before Spock speaks. 

"I would like to hear the remainder of the piece." He murmurs, his arms coming up around Jim's bare shoulders, and Jim smiles.

"What, my boy, you are not weeping? You should save your eyes for sight..."

-0-

A year into the five-year-mission, Jim gets shot in the chest during a run-in with some unhappy Denebians. He turns around to find that Spock's back is uncovered, and lunges in front of him, taking a phaser blast directly to the solar plexus. To say that the wind is knocked out of him is an understatement.

Spock says nothing as they rush him to medbay, remaining silent when Bones gives him a quiet 'dumbass' and fixes him up. He's sent away perfectly healed but with a threat that if he tries to do any work before 0800 tomorrow he'll get a hypo somewhere he doesn't want it thank-you-very-much.

The minute the door to their rooms closes, Jim finds his back pressed into it, Spocks hands immediately tearing at his command golds, fingers skimming over the now-clear skin of Jim's chest, where just an hour ago a singed hole had marred his flesh. The Vulcan's cold, sure lips press against Jim's, and then down his throat, trailing kisses down his chest until he can pull at Jim's belt.

Jim knows what he's trying to say.

_Too close._

 

-0-

Spock and Chekov go down on a ground mission two months later, and communicatons are lost an hour into the expedition.

When they finally find them, it's been three days. 

They've been looking for  _three days,_ and Jim is on the verge of a goddamn mental breakdown by the time they force their way through the door of the tiny cell the Romulans had imprisioned them in. Both he and Sulu have to stop, just for a moment, at what's waiting inside. 

Chekov is on the floor, crumpled in the dirt like a marrionette with broken strings, and Spock hangs from the ceiling by his hands, dead to the world, and Jim immediately grits his teeth at his bad mental word choice as he moves forward in the same instant Sulu does, each of them immediately gong to their respective captive.

He curls one arm around Spock's waist, and fires his phaser, once, at the chains holding him to the ceiling, taking his weight with ease considering the amount of adrennaline pumping it's way through his system. 

"Spock." Jim murmurs, dropping the phaser, and reaching up with his free hand to cup the Vulcan's cheek brushing his thumb over the greenish-blue bruises marring his delicate skin. Spock's chest rises and falls, slightly, his breaths coming in and out shallow and strained, as though there's a weight on his lungs keeping him from breathing deep. His eyelashes flutter over pale cheeks, and Jim ghosts his lips over his first officer's, the briefest press of a kiss. "Spock, look at me. Please, look at me."

Spock's eyelids lift tiredly, and Jim is blessed by the sight of the darkest brown eyes he's ever seen, and he has to fight the urge to scream at the joy that builds in his chest. 

Vaguely, he hears Sulu whispering "Pavel, Pavel, Pavel," over and over, like a mantra, and he looks over to see Hikaru cradling the younger officer's body in his arms, his fingers carding gently through tousled blonde curls as Chekov mumbles unintelligibly into his shirt. 

They'll be okay.

-0-

They're fighting, but this time, Jim swears it isn't his fault. He was doing fine with the Elysian ambassador until Spock had come out of nowhere and told the lady that Jim wasn't 'available', which, for some reason, had pissed the ambassador off to no end, and resulted in the Enterprise having to haul ass out of there as fast as possible while under an Elysian assault. Which, by the way, they're still under, and not exactly doing well with.

"Jim--"

"God, Spock, will you just--"

"I was merely attempting to--"

"Spock, I don't care what you were trying to do! You didn't need to come in there, and now we're under attack because of _you_ , so just _shut up_. "

The entire room falls silent at Jim's outburst, the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife, and Jim's fucked up, he can feel it. Spock's face loses every single trace of anything resembling emotions, going blanker than Jim's ever seen it as he takes a measured step back.

"Of course, Captain. I apologize. It was not my place." His voice is more bland and unfeeling than Jim's ever heard it before, and it's all he can do not to burst into tears right there on the bridge, because since the beginning, since day one of whatever this is they've been doing, Spock's never spoken to him like that, and fuck if that doesn't _hurt_.

He opens his mouth to fix it, to say something, anything, but the communications console beeps, and Nyota flashes him a judging look before she sends it up to the viewscreen. The ambassador's face fills the bridge, and her voice floats, unflinching, through the room. 

"Captain Kirk and Commander Spock." She says smoothly, addressing them directly. "We will cease fire on your ship and crew, provided that the both of you beam down to the planet surface for the punishment generally associated with insulting a government official." She smiles slightly, and nods. "Should you not agree with our terms, we will destroy you and your ship."

Jim and Spock exchange a brief look, and the entire bridge goes completely silent, not a word spoken or a movement made. 

"Alright." Jim says, ignoring Bones' immediate growl from behind him. "We're on our way down."

-0-

They're going to die. They're going to die, and he never got to fix things with Spock. 

He's sitting perfectly still with the Elysian cerimonial sword at his throat, and Spock's in another stupid crazy cerimony getting chopped to bits, and it would take a miracle for anything to fix this. What kind of stupid fucking planet has a death penalty for denying a come-on?

They're going to die, and he never  _said_ it, never told him, and now he never will. He'll never get the chance to hold Spock again, and  _fuck_ that hurts.

Instead of a miracle, of course, he gets a heavy thunk to the head, and then blackness.

 

When he wakes up, it's to gentle fingers stroking over his cheeks, and a pair of unbearably soft lips pressed to his forehead.

"Jim, Ashayam, wake for me." 

" _Spock_."

"I am here." Jim's fingers search blindly for Spocks, and their hands meet, linking together slowly in the Vulcan kiss as Jim presses his nose into Spock's shirt.

"You--" _Found me._

"Yes."

-0-

As soon as they make it back to their quarters, their mouths crash together like this is the last time (and, fuck, it came so close, too close) fingers scrabbling over sweat-slicked skin, toned arms tightening around thin hips as they fall into bed, with Jim mumbling soft, pained words into the junction of Spock's neck and shoulder.

"Spock, please, Spock, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, don't leave me, you can't--"

He's cut off by the Vulcan's lips against his own, hard, and demanding, and oh-so-good, and if he could, he would never stop, never give this up, for anything. 

" _Never_."

-0-

"How come we've never melded?" Jim asks one night, his fingers sliding through Spock's hair. Spock is quiet for a long moment, and then rolls them so that he can pin Jim into the mattress, latching his lips onto the captain's neck.

Neither of them says much for the rest of the night.

-0-

Their first visit to New Vulcan doesn't go exactly as Jim would have hoped.

As soon as they set foot on-planet, a well-dressed, for Vulcans anyway, dignitary shows up, and as soon as he does, Spock tenses. Not enough for anyone but Jim to notice, of course, but it's definitely there.

"Spock." The guy says once they've all been introduced, and his voice is about as close as a Vulcan can come to sneering. Jim knows, because he's definitely heard it before, on the bridge a few years back. 

"Talok." Spock's voice is strained, and Jim brushes the tips of his fingers over his first officer's knuckles, because he may not have any fucking clue what's going on, but he knows what to do about it. 

"When I was informed that you had taken up a position aboard a Federation vessel, I did not imagine it would be one of such...stature." It's a small insult, but Spock's jaw clenches a little bit, and Jim steps forward.

"Sorry, what's that supposed to mean?" Talok turns to him, and raises one stupidly manicured Vulcan eyebrow. He opens his mouth to speak, but Spock cuts him off.

"As I am, in fact, half-human, I am not held to the same standard as other Vulcans." He says methodically, as though it's a rehearsed line in a play he never really liked. 

"On the contrary." Talok interjects, "You are not Vulcan, and are thus not held to any Vulcan standard." Jims fingers curl into fists as something hot and constricting starts to build in his chest.

"If you wouldn't mind refraining from insulting my first officer, I'd really appreciate it." He grits out, and he can practically  _feel_ the tension in the air. 

"I do not insult, I simply point out facts." The guy says, and smirks just slightly as he continues, "Spock has been aware since childhood that he is inferior. I am simply reminding him, lest he become too cocky considering his position."

 

That's right about when Jim punches him in the face.

 

Later, when they've succesfully avoided any kind of actual outright barfight, and Jim has been thoroughly chewed out by Nyota and Bones for attacking a foreign dignitary (Bones, who once they're done, claps him on the back and tells him to keep up the good work, and Nyota, who doesn't say anything, but winks, just once, before she turns away) they visit the ambassador. 

He may be old, and his movements are even more labored than the last time Jim saw him, but he's still definitely Spock, or some version of him, anyway. They talk for a while, and eventually Jim explains everything that happened with Talok, which the ambassador meets with much amusement.

"I am capable of intellectually defending myself without your assistance, Jim." He says rigidly, and the ambassador laughs. 

"It is the duty of the bondmate to protect his t'hy'la, Spock." He says, a smile gracing his wrinkled features. "You would have done the same, in his place."

Jim looks confusedly between them for a second, while Spock's eyes widen just slightly. The ambassador pauses, his gaze flickering back and forth from Spock's face to Jim's, until he meets Spock's eyes. 

"You have not told him." It's not a question, it's a statement, and Spock simply shakes his head.

"Told me what?" Jim asks, but neither of them answers. There's a long moment of silence, and then the ambassador nods. 

"I believe our time has expired."

-0-

"Bondmates? _Bondmates!?_ " Jim shouts, and Spock just stares at the floor. "What the hell does that even mean?"

Spock's jaw tightens, and his eyes flick up and down, once. "Vulcans mate for life." He says simply, finally making eye contact with Jim. "We do not choose, nor do we know who our mate is prior to meeting them."

Jim shakes his head. "You've known since we met?" He growls, and Spock shakes his head. 

"Only since we first touched." He says, and his voice is soft, softer than it should be. "To attack one's t'hy'la is a sin."

Oh. 

_Oh._

The bridge. Spock losing control. That. Oh.

"Spock..." Jim breathes, and steps forward, reaching up tentatively to cup the Vulcan's cheeks between his hands. Spock's gaze finds the floor, again. "Spock, look at me." 

He doesn't. There's a good minute of silence and stillness, and Spock turns and leaves, striding out the door without looking back.

 

Jim sleeps alone that night for the first time in months. 

-0-

Jim does his research into Vulcan mating habits. Learns as much as he can. It's not pretty.

Spock's in pain almost constantly when they're not together.

Spock's lifespan will be lessened by the lack of a concrete bond.

And Spock attacking Jim, just the one time, is an unforgivable offense, in Vulcan culture.

Jim's stomach twists itself into knots, and he falls asleep with his face pressed into Spock's pillow.

-0-

They don't speak off-duty for almost a week, Spock veering away every time Jim tries, until during a landing party investigation to a planet with apparently benine electronic frequencies radiating from it, it becomes clear that the frequencies are anything but benine, and explosion becomes imminant. 

There's a lot of confusion, with Sulu shouting to Chekov over the comms, and Bones having a little tiny mental breakdown about the fact that the planet's about to explode with five people on it, and in the end, they manage to transport everyone but Jim off. The frequencies of the explosive devices will only allow for four transports, and Jim makes an executive decision. 

He's standing on the edge of the rock that just contained the rest of the landing party, and waiting for Scotty to figure out how to fix this, and he hears Spock's voice drift through the comms, calm and calculating as ever.

"Captain, it would appear that the transporter beam may be able to excavate you from the planet. However, the procedure will be incredibly high-risk, and may result in igniting the energies about the planet's surface." Jim's quiet for a moment.

"Killing me, then." 

There's a pause, and then, "Yes, Captain."

Jim nods. "Do it."

There's no hesitation. He hears Spock say something to Scotty, and immediately feels the slight tickle of the beam picking him up. As soon as he does, the atmosphere around him starts to crackle, and spark, and he can feel the heat building around him, in the very air he breathes, as the O2 in the atmosphere begins to ignite. 

He lands in a slightly smoldering heap on the beaming pad, and the room goes utterly silent. 

"Mister Scott, please clear the room." Jim pants, without moving from the floor, and Scotty immediately does, ushering technicians out and closing the door behind him. 

In an instant, Spock is on his knees at Jim's sides, long, elegant fingers pushing the hair back from his face to inspect it as he presses close, his body a hard line again's Jim's. His thumbs graze over Jim's cheeks, and then travel down, his hands exploring the expanse of the captain's body, checking for injuries. Jim just exhales slowly, and curls his finges into Spock's shirt and hair, tugging him forward to mold their mouths together in the most unelegant, perfect kiss he's ever had. 

He feels Spock pressing, hard, against his thigh, and shifts his leg, grinding it into the Vulan's groin as his lips travel down to suck a hard bruise on Spock's neck. Spock gasps, just slightly, as quietly as is physically possible for any being to, and his arms curl tightly around Jim's waist, pulling him as close as is physically possible.

Jim doesn't sleep alone, that night.

-0-

When they finally bond, it's so sudden neither of them sees it coming.

 

Jim is fading, fast, and Spock only has so much time and so many options, and logically he knows there must be better alternatives, there must be other ways to tether Jim's consciousness to his body, but impulsively, he doesn't have time. This machine, this _thing,_ is ripping Jim, his Jim, out of himself, stealing away the single most important thing that has ever happened to Spock in his entire life. So instead of waiting, and thinking, and deliberating as he always does, he presses his fingertips as gently as he can to Jim's sweat-soaked temples, and closes his eyes. 

 

There is nothing but them, their bond, and it takes all of half a second for Jim's thrashing to cease, for every bit of fear and irrationality to  leave his system as he leans heavily into Spock, his hands immediately finding the Vulcan's waist as the wave of every emotion Spock has to give washes over him. Worry, despair, fear, fierce protectiveness all encompass Jim in one swath of pure  _feeling._ Spock has to close his eyes as their minds become one, as he presses closer to Jim, as the insecurities and doubts he has built into walls around himself against his love for this insane, bright blue-eyed, damaged, brilliant man are crushed into dust by the sheer force of Jim's love for him, as his captain finally speaks, in both mind and body, whispered words against the hot press of his Vulcan's lips.

 

" _Spock_." He rasps, curling his fingers as tightly as they'll go into Spock's shirt. " _Spock, love you, need you, always, so long, please, Spock."_

_"Yes, Jim, T'hy'la, always."_

 

There is no coming back from this. 

 

Neither of them has any desire to.


End file.
